Post ID 781

Posted by on May 8, 2020

“Honour the space between no longer and not yet.” Nancy Levin

Yes, we have all been through much change over the past two months. I wonder if any of your personal relationships have also changed?

And how are you handling the transition that goes along with the change? 

If you’re not sure what I mean, here’s a quick recap of William Bridges’ transition theory.

A change is the external event or situation – positive or negative – that is largely practical. For example, a change could include the tangibles of welcoming a new friend or baby to your life, or saying goodbye to someone who is no longer your friend or is moving away.

A transition is your internal experience of the change – emotional and mental – that is a gradual process of adjustment. So, the intangible transition of moving through the psychological part of handling the new arrival or the departure of someone from your life.

If you find yourself stuck in a relationship, it could be that you haven’t moved through one of the ‘3 Stages of Transition’ in their natural order:

  • The Ending – You enter a change here, and identify what you are losing and how to manage these losses. Think of it like a storm’s arrival.
  • The Neutral Zone – The bridging between old and new, you are in the confusing and murky middle of change. This is like the foggy calm after the storm.
  • The New Beginning – The final stage where you accept the new normal with renewed energy and start to experience wins in your new direction. Here the sun, or even a rainbow, are visible through the parting clouds. 

Considering a personal relationship of yours that is currently changing, what stage are you in? 

If you find you’re not steadily moving through that stage of transition, here are some suggestions to help you gain some momentum with your relationship transition: 

1. If you’re stuck in your relationship’s ending (or ending in the sense that it will be different going forward than what it was before), do your grief work. Both ‘positive’ and ‘negative’ relationship changes involve some element of letting go: of who you were, of what was, or of what never will become. Allow yourself the space to feel and release your sorrow.

2. If you’re lost in your relationship’s neutral zone, address your fears, doubts and resistance. This period can feel very uncomfortable as you may sometimes want to go back to how things were, but you also know that you must move forward. Resist the urge to fill this emptiness to avoid the temporary discomfort. Learn new perspectives or resources, from trustworthy sources and people, to address your limits and worries.

3. If you’re caught in the new beginning, spark up your desires. You’re starting to become more clear on who you are and how you are in relationships. Bravely dream up the best possible outcomes for yourself and pursue what feels right for you. Take small steps, and try small things, as you increase your confidence in your new identity and reality.

From here, I’m confident you’ll notice some momentum through your changing relationship. Reach out to may any time for further clarification. Together we’ll catch a glimpse of your fair weather relationship forecast.

Post ID 742

Posted by on April 17, 2020

“Listen to your needs and desires. Meet them with tenderness and grace.”

Are your self-care practices ‘top heavy’? 

Mine have been, up until recently. I used to notice I was feeling off, then thought about what I could do for a break. Or I’d have a stretch of time to myself and wonder how I would fill it with some kind of self-care-ish type of activity. In either case, I was guided by my thoughts about what to do. I was practicing ‘heads up’ or ‘top heavy’ self-care. 

Now I know that for self-care to truly work for me and be worth my time and effort, it needs to be ‘inside-out’ or ‘self-sourced’ or ‘heart-centred’. In other words, I need to take into account the needs of my whole Self. 

I notice what’s going on for me, name the unique needs at the root of my experience and respond in ways that best nurture those needs.

Heart-Centred Self-Care

Step 1 – Notice

The first step is to pause and take note of what you are experiencing. 

What’s the ‘outer’ experience that you are sensing with your 5 senses or envisioning in your mind?

Ex. I see the sun is setting and that I didn’t get all of today’s work done yet . . .  I hear the boisterous family being loud and silly . . . 

Also, what’s the ‘inner’ experience that you are feeling

Ex. I am feeling negative or unhelpful feelings, like guilt, sadness, worry, anger, etc. I am feeling positive or helpful feelings, like courage, acceptance, love, joy, peace etc.

Step 2 – Needs

Here’s the step that most of us miss – but that’s the most important. 

Considering what you are sensing and feeling, what do you really need?

You can take your best guess, or I recommend looking at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs or the Centre for Non-Violent Communications Needs Inventory to accurately name the one or two needs that are causing your feelings.

Ex. I need financial security which is why I’m worrying about not finishing my work yet.  I need space which is why I’m feeling irritable about the family’s noise. 

Step 3 – Nurture

Now it’s time to do something with what you’ve learned – the self-care part. The aim is to figure out ways to nurture the need that you’ve identified. In attempting to meet that need, you will relieve your feelings and truly nurture yourself. Be sure to consider both ‘the doing’ (behaviours, actions) and ‘the being’ (presence, allowing, listening, resting) in your response. 

What can I ‘do’ to nurture my need(s)?

Ex. I will finish my priority task tonight, spend an extra hour tomorrow to catch up, and my finances will not be affected. I will go out for a walk so that I can have some space, and my family can keep having fun.

How can I ‘be’ to nurture my need(s)?

Ex. I will listen to my unhelpful thoughts about money and work through the process of shifting my mindset. I will allow and release my feelings of frustration around being physically isolated.

Making a regular practice of Noticing, Naming and Nurturing your needs will ensure your heart-centred self-care truly works for you. Simply moving through these steps before you get out of bed in the morning or anytime during your day will make all the difference to showing yourself the care and compassion that your heart, body, mind and spirit deserve!

Posted in: Heart, Renewal

Post ID 736

Posted by on April 9, 2020

Dear Self-Care,

Hello old friend, how are you?

I’m writing this thank you note to let you know how much I appreciate you. Over the years, you have always been there for me, whether or not I made the time and effort to connect with you. And I always leave our visits better off than when I came – especially those times when I thought I didn’t want to connect with you.

You have made such a positive impact on my life, my business and my overall well-being that I decided to let you know these 21 incredible benefits of Self-Care. . . 

  1. You give me the space to be me – to know, appreciate, share and honour myself.
  2. My home is a secure and loving place because you’ve helped me know what that looks like for me.
  3. I’m clearer on my business priorities so I can simplify the work I do.
  4. You help me express and release my emotions so they don’t build up into bigger problems.
  5. I’m a better mom to my kids, able to be more present, lively and loving with them.
  6. You inspired the start of my business, as I want more people to benefit from knowing and accessing your value.
  7. I’m physically healthier, with more energy and vitality and less risk of illness and disease.
  8. I have stronger connections with friends, both giving to and receiving from supportive and wonderful people.
  9. You boost my creativity so I can offer my very best at work. 
  10. I’m better able to put my mind at ease and stop the mental chatter, to instead focus on what’s helpful and true. 
  11. I follow my ‘feel good’ with your support, trying new hobbies and learning new skills.
  12. You help me prioritize which are the most important tasks to focus on. 
  13. You give me full permission to rest and do nothing, especially when that’s what I need most. 
  14. You make it more fun to manage my finances, ultimately inviting more abundance. 
  15. You do the same for my business finances, ensuring I make the best financial decisions for my company. 
  16. When we’re together, I feel more spiritually connected to ‘something greater’ and to nature, and that I don’t have to have all the answers.
  17. You turn boring chores into mindful time or opportunities for play.
  18. I’m in an empowered place to make a real impact with my work thanks to you.
  19. You teach me how real balance is between ‘being’ me and ‘doing’ for myself and others.
  20. I’m a better partner with my husband, able to bring the best of myself to our relationship. 
  21. I’m modeling for my clients – and everyone around me – the type of loving relationship with self that is possible and essential to a life well lived. 

Wow, it was even easier than I thought to honour you.

I want you to know how much I really do appreciate you and that I will continue to do my best to show up for you – imperfectly, consistently, trustingly. Together we are better.

See you soon!

     Nicole

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