Post ID 802

Posted by on May 29, 2020

“You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, Know when to fold ‘em, Know when to walk away, And know when to run . . .” Don Schlitz

Oh, the 8-Track memories! While Kenny Rogers wasn’t necessarily singing about boundaries, “The Gambler” popped into my head this morning as I thought about writing this part 2 of my Boundaries Blog. When the song fits, sing it! 

Last week in part 1 – 5 Cool Things about Boundaries – we covered why boundaries are great, why we don’t set them and what they are. Today, let’s get into the 3 steps of how to set and keep boundaries.

But first, I want to clarify that this advice is for your average, routine limit setting. If you happen to be in danger or experiencing abuse from someone, your first step is to remove yourself from harm and get help from a professional or trusted friend.  

3 Steps to Boundaries

1) RecognizeConsidering your feelings and needs, in what relationship or area of your life would you like to set a boundary? There are many ways to choose. For best results, you may want to start with an easier, nice-to-have or better-off boundary rather than a difficult or  long-overdue limit. 

You could try considering your desires as one way to choose. What would you like to increase/ introduce or decrease/release in your life? And what’s the boundary that you could set for more or less of what you want? For example, if you want to practice self-care more regularly, you could create a boundary with yourself to build a daily habit. Or if you want to feel less frustration with a friend’s negativity, you could set a limit on how you’ll respond to their criticism.

2) CommunicateDeveloping a script will help you define exactly what limit you want to put in place and how you will express that with yourself or others. Keep it kind and simple. “When you (boundary crossing behaviour), I feel (your feelings). Would you be willing to (your specific preferred response)? If not, I will (your intended response).” 

For example, with yourself you could prepare this script as a mental plan. “When I don’t allow myself an evening walk away from it all, I feel cranky and stressed. Would I be willing to ask my partner to watch the kids for an hour every day after supper so I can get out for some exercise and ‘me time’? If not, I will revisit the plan and try the next best idea to improve my daily self-care practice.”

Or try using the script to practice what you could say to another person. Whether you use it as a mental plan or choose to say it to the person is your choice. “When you speak negatively about work all the time, I feel drained and frustrated that you don’t do something to be happier at work, as you deserve so much more happiness. Would you be willing to stop complaining about your workload unless you genuinely want my help to change your situation? If not, I will change the topic of conversation or ultimately spend less time with you.”

It’s also important for you to remember that when you share your boundary needs, there is no need to explain or justify yourself. You are welcome to clarify, but don’t defend your choices. You could prepare a statement to repeat as many times as needed, that shuts down the other person’s attempts to debate about your boundary. 

“This is what I need to do to take care of myself. I’m happy to (how you will shift your boundary) if you (meet your stated request).” For example, “I need to set this boundary to take regular care of my emotional and energy levels. I’m happy to reciprocate so you have your own self-care time.”

“My decision to (your boundary choice) feels right to me and I’m not open to sharing more details about it.” Such as, “My decision to surround myself with more positive and helpful conversation is what I need right now, and I’m not able to share more details about why at the moment.” 

3) Maintain – If the other person is unable or unwilling to meet your request, the last step is to take care of you. Follow-through is an important part of boundary setting, otherwise you won’t move forward. You may wish to ease yourself into this step by starting with a gentle boundary that is easier for you to carry out, and then build up from there. If you’re having a hard time following through, remember this takes practice and the more you try, the better you’ll get at it.

So your maintenance plan is already stated in your above script: “If not, I will (your intended response).” For example “If not, I will change the topic of conversation or ultimately spend less time with you.”

There’s no judgment with how you proceed. It’s your choice to bend or change your own consequences. It’s also your choice about whether or not you follow through with your stated response. It’s interesting to note that by repeatedly not following through, it becomes you who is crossing your own boundaries. As you likely know, the only person you can control is yourself.  This is what it means when it is said that it’s nobody else’s job to respect your boundaries. It’s yours. 

So there you have it. Recognize – Communicate – Maintain. Whether you hold ‘em, fold’em, walk away or run from them, boundaries are like the “ace up your sleeve” in relationships. If you want to read more, I recommend Nancy Levin’s  book, “Setting Boundaries Will Set You Free”. Or if you prefer my personalized support, reach out to see how we could work together. I’m happy to help!

Post ID 796

Posted by on May 21, 2020

Boundaries make for great relationships.

If you’re feeling good, safe, expansive and happy about your social interactions, whether or not you know it, you’ve got your boundaries figured out. Keep it up!

And if you’re feeling bad, negative, hurt or stifled, even in just one tiny area of a relationship, keep reading. You may find that making small improvements to your limits will make all the difference to – having your needs met more often, living more aligned with your desires and enjoying better connections with others.

So if boundaries are so great, why do we struggle with them?

There are so many reasons, but typically we avoid them because of our fears about what others will think about us if we do; we’ve been conditioned to neglect our needs; we’re not up for the short-term discomfort of setting and maintaining them; or we just want to keep the peace.

Whatever the case, here are 5 cool reminders about boundaries . . .

1) A boundary is a limit you set to what you will or will not do, accept or tolerate from others.

Since you cannot control another person, it’s not about making them behave in a certain way, but about how you will take care of yourself if your requests are unfulfilled.

2) There are at least 6 areas for which you can set limits.

You may want to secure your: physical (body, personal space, time), emotional (feelings about yourself and others), mental (thoughts, beliefs, opinions), spiritual (meaning, purpose, connection to something greater), social (belonging, impact of others) or material (financial, property, belongings) resources. 

3) There are 3 levels of boundaries.

Your basic boundaries are your most essential, must-set, past due limits. Your better boundaries are those middle ones that will make life easier and more pleasant. Your bonus boundaries are the ones you’d love but that aren’t essential to your wellness. 

4) There are 3 steps to boundary setting.

You recognize your needs, feelings and limits, communicate your desires and plans about how you will take care of yourself and follow through according to how your requests are met. More on these next week!

5) A boundary can improve the relationship between yourself and the other person.

When you’re honest about your needs, the result is a more vulnerable and genuine connection. Not to mention, you want connections with people who want what’s best for you and who can grow together with you through this process. And you can support them with their boundaries too.

Next week, in part 2 of this blog, we’ll get into the ‘How Tos’ of boundaries. Meanwhile in preparation, start thinking about your interactions with other people in your life, especially the areas or situations that elicit ‘negative’ emotions. 

How might these be related to crossed boundaries?

Post ID 677

Posted by on May 8, 2019

A boundary is not that at which something stops, but that from which something begins.” Martin Heidegger

 

Last week I shared a new way to look at “balance” in your life, and today as a powerful follow-up I hope to shift your view on “boundaries”.

Boundaries are limits we put into place to help each other meet our needs.

When I first learned about boundaries, I didn’t really understand what they were, and that was a good hint that I needed them in my life. I also felt boundary work had to be hard and heavy, but have since learned otherwise. Here’s a visual I love to help you rethink boundary setting as a healthy, compassionate practice.

 

Your Sacred Space

Imagine you have a beautiful yard, like a magical garden where you feel wonderful and the surroundings are beautiful. It’s a healthy, vibrant and secure space where you feel at peace and at home. This outdoor oasis represents you, your healthy inner experience and your lush self-care practices.

Beyond this space is the outside world, in whatever form that may look like for you according to your unique situation. Perhaps its a similarly beautiful garden setting, a dirty and dangerous junkyard or someplace in between. It represents whatever or whoever is in your life that feels threatening to your well-being.

Between these spaces is your sacred fence. Perhaps it’s a flourishing living fence of well-kept hedges and floral vines, or maybe it’s a solid and strong cedar fence, that smells as beautiful as it looks. This fence represents your boundaries. Its simple purpose is to delineate between the two environments. It exists whether being viewed from the inside out, or the outside in.

The goal here is to tend to your sacred space rather than the surrounding environment – to focus on what you value and what you want to protect vs. who or what you want to keep out. View your fence as a means to better enjoy what you’ve cultivated within your own yard, rather than for avoiding difficulties. In doing so, you operate from a place of self-love, avoid reacting to or punishing others and convey your boundaries with compassion so they are more warmly understood, received and respected.

And don’t forget that fences have gates, for the opportunity to let others into your yard as circumstances allow.

 

Build Your Fence

Could you relate to your situation in this metaphor? Or are you still unsure if you need to set some boundaries? Chances are you do if you feel constricted, upset, anxious, angry, irritated or are complaining about something. So for example, you may need to set limits if you . . .

  • have had it with your never ending “to do” list;
  • procrastinate because you can’t handle the pressure;
  • can’t take another minute of your loved one’s passive-aggressive communication;
  • won’t put up with being treated poorly any longer;
  • are stressed and overwhelmed by all the little things to do at home and work; or
  • want to take better care of your needs and feel like your enough.

So in these situations, and others like them, how will you take care of your “oasis”? What are your fences AND what will you do if someone crosses them?

What situations will you say “yes” or “no” to, to meet your own specific needs, wants and joys?

AND

What will you “do” or “not do” if these boundaries are crossed, by yourself or others?

Naturally, you will also want to respect other people’s boundaries too. If you are on the receiving end of someone drawing a line, you’ll now understand that everyone’s boundary needs are different, boundaries aren’t necessarily personal or your fault, and the best response is “Thank you for telling me about your boundary and I’ll do my best to respect it.”

Ultimately, boundaries are about self-worth. By compassionately setting and upholding them for yourself, you are growing and nourishing your own self-worth. Yes please!

. . . . .

If you would love to talk to me about your boundary-related issues, you’ll want to claim my new introductory offer.

“Balance & Boundaries” is my new introductory 1:1 Coaching Intensive. If you’re ready to: Get clarity on your balance issues; develop solutions for your most pressing needs; cultivate boundaries to uphold your desires and leave with the confidence to move forward, this is for you!

Check out all the details here: Balance & Boundaries Intensive

To your sacred space!

Nicole

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